i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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