he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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