ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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