There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Randomize
