i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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