Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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