she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
