come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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