Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I would fuck him just for his dog
I have tasted many bathrooms
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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