I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The feeling are messing with the penis
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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