I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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