i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
