im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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