Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
