Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
