I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
