oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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