i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i out mim tonsoeep
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