can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I need to calm my uterus...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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