She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
