Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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