You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
