The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
