I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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