the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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