Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I have aggressive nipples.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
