the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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