Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
