i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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