You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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