i wish starbucks made bloody marys
handjob tips. give me some.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
