then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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