K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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