You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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