When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I could fuck to npr.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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