I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
