allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
