you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
