the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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