Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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