Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
