Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
