i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize