I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
