Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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