I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
