Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
