Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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