My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
