She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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