So drunk its hurt
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize