mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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