You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
