I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
