so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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