I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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