i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
