mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you had me at cake vodka
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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