i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
