I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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