And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
