I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
