Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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