No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
