Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
