I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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