There was a lot of him and a little penis
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
