You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
