im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
