It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
