Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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