it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
